((Warning: This story will contain sexual situations involving individuals under the influence of alcohol, and thus are not capable of full informed consent. All sexual situations will involve established partners who would likely be getting it on with or without the alcohol, but please use caution with respect to your own comfort level. Also, this story will be very silly. I need silly right now.
The first parts can be found here: http://scifigrl47.tumblr.com/post/39391191226/avengers-fic-the-best-of-life-and-asgard-pt-1 and http://scifigrl47.tumblr.com/post/41659478814/avengers-fic-the-best-of-life-and-asgard-pt-2 ))
“That was unpleasant,” Tony said.
“Aye,” Sif said, the word flat. “That it was.” She shifted, hefting a sleeping Jane a little higher on her back. Jane snored against Sif’s hair, her arms draped limply over Sif’s shoulders. Most of her skirt was gone, and Darcy was balancing one of Jane’s shoes on her head, but Sif had convinced Natasha to stop juggling her throwing knives, so that was a plus. Darcy was wearing a tablecloth like a toga, and was carrying a loaf of bread in her arms, cradling it like a baby. Sif looked at Darcy. “Where are your rooms?”
“Please,” Darcy said, her nose in the air. Jane’s shoe fell off her head, and Natasha snagged it out of mid-air. She almost fell over doing it, but no one else seemed to notice. “I don’t put out on the first date.”
“’Tis fine,” Sif said, her eyes dancing. “As this is not a date.”
Darcy’s eyes narrowed. “Ooooooh,” she said after a second. “OOOOOH! Great! This way.” She bounced off, and laughing, Sif carried Jane after her. Natasha swayed after them, and managed not to run into any walls. More than that, she managed to look sexy while barely keeping herself upright.
“I think I need a shower,” Clint said. He held up his hands, considering them. His blinking white eyes were stark against his soot-covered face. “I think maybe I should do that.”
“You look like an nineteenth century chimney sweep,” Tony said, trying not to wince at the jet black footprints Clint was leaving on his rugs. “You don’t need a shower. You need a fire hose.” Clint sneezed, and that was unpleasant. “Or a waterfall. Do me a favor, try not to touch anything.”
Clint nodded. Took one step forward, and tripped over the end table. Soot went in all directions.
Fandral shrugged, black dust rising from him at the small movement. “I am impressed,” he said to Coulson, who was the only clean one left in the room. “How, exactly-”
“Trade secret.” Coulson reached down, snagged Clint by the back of the shirt, and pulled him to his feet. Clint swayed there for a second, then collapsed back into Coulson’s arms. Coulson sighed. “Shower,” he said, but he was smiling.
Clint leaned his head back, grinning. “Shower sex?”
“No!” Tony called after them. “No! Do not- No!”
“Maybe,” Phil allowed.
“No!” Tony yelled. “Don’t-” He gritted his teeth hard when Phil chuckled, low and soft. “Jarvis, put the whole tower on high alert, monitor everyone and everything that happens until I remove the alert. Vital signs, movement, any signs of distress, everything. If anything seems out of the ordinary, I want to know immediately.”
“Yes, sir,” Jarvis said. There was a momentary pause. “What variables am I to use to draw these conclusions?”
“Use your best judgment, Jarvis, we’re in uncharted territory here.” Tony caught Steve’s hand and pinned it to his stomach. “Uncharted territory all over the place.”
“Banner is secured,” Thor said, sweeping back in. “Volstagg remains, to keep watch on him.”
Hogun and Fandral exchanged a look. “Perhaps,” Fandral said, with an easy grin, “we will go and keep him company. So you might see to the Lady Jane.”
Thor clapped them both on the shoulder. “Thank you, my friends. I would very much like to do so.” He glanced at Tony. “Unless you require our assistance?”
“No, thanks, I got-” Tony jerked as Steve nuzzled the side of his neck. “I got this,” he said, and his voice was a little too high, a little too reedy for his peace of mind. He managed a smile in Thor’s general direction. “Jarvis, keep an eye on Clint and Phil, and let’s see how long we can wait this out.”
The room cleared quickly after that, and Tony struggled free of Steve’s hands. “Okay!” He clapped his hands, trying to sound professional. “Let’s get you some coffee, and we can-”
“Okay,” Steve said, but he was pacing forward, his stride loose and smooth and predatory. His teeth flashed. “We can go to your room.”
“Wow, that is an amazingly bad idea,” Tony said, and he was retreating, just a couple of hopping steps at a time, but still, this was humiliating, he should not be retreating right now. “Now, we need to wait here. In case someone needs our help.”
Steve paused, chewing on his lower lip. Tony tried to tear his gaze away from Steve’s mouth, but it was mesmerizing. He swallowed, trying not to think of that mouth, those teeth, on his skin. “Are you sure?” Steve asked, and Tony had to think hard to figure out what the hell he was talking about.
“Yes,” he said, and he made the word very firm. Certain. “We have to stay here. So how about I make some coffee and we can just-” His words stuttered to a stop as Steve slipped into his personal space, very close, very hot, his breathing audible as he slipped his arms around Tony’s waist. “Okay, Steve, we need to-”
“No, we don’t,” Steve said, dropping his head to nuzzle at Tony’s ear. “I don’t wanna.” His teeth scraped against Tony’s skin, not enough to hurt, just enough to sting.
Tony’s whole body jolted. “Okay, but we-” His feet left the ground and he had an instant of vertigo, then he grabbed for Steve’s shoulders. “We have to stay here,” he said, his voice firm.
“Okay,” Steve said, and tumbled them both onto the couch.
“Oh, boy,” Tony said, his hands scrambling on the leather, trying to get a grip. “Okay, wait, this is a bad idea, Steve, this is not-”
Steve pulled back, and his face was twisted with misery. “You don’t want me?” he asked, his voice aching.
“I do, you know I do, but right now, you’re not-” Tony stroked his hair away from his forehead. “You’re not fully in control of yourself, so we are not going to have sex.”
Steve dipped his head, his lips almost but not quite touching Tony’s. “But I want to,” he whispered. He shifted against Tony, and Tony went dizzy at he feel of Steve’s heavy erection rubbing against his hips.
“We can’t,” Tony told him, and the words pained him, there was actual pain involved with forcing them out. “I’m not going to do that to you, because-” He cast about helplessly, because Steve was staring down at him, all liquid puppy dog eyes and swollen lips and flushed cheeks. “You’re making this very hard, Steve.”
“I’m sorry,” Steve said. His eyes fell to Tony’s mouth. “Can we-” He licked his lips, a flicker of his pink tongue that made Tony groan. “I just wanna kiss you.”
That was a bad idea. That was an insanely bad idea. Tony opened his mouth, hoping to find some way to verbalize that, and Steve kissed him, soft and gentle and almost reverent, and he was weak, he was so very weak. Tony’s fingers sank into Steve’s head, dragging him down. Steve made a pleased sound against his lips, pleased and grateful and this was a TERRIBLE idea, and Tony no longer cared.
Dizzy, panting, he pulled away, and Steve didn’t seem to mind, he just shifted his body against Tony’s, shifted down, just a little, and nuzzled at Tony’s throat, his fingers slipping beneath Tony’s shirt. This was a horrible idea, and Tony could no longer remember why. He shifted, and almost against his will, his legs fell open, his knees coming up so that Steve could settle into the cradle of his hips.
After that, he stopped thinking entirely.
Tony considered ignoring Jarvis, but judging by the tone and volume of the AI’s voice, this was his third or fourth attempt at gaining their attention. He wasn’t likely to stop, at this point. With a real effort, Tony wrenched his mouth away from Steve’s. Steve made an unhappy, almost pleading sound that went straight to Tony’s groin, and Tony stroked his hair. “Yeah,” he said, and his voice was raw and thick. He sucked in a wobbly breath as Steve arched into his body. “I know. Sorry, I know. Jarvis, what?”
“My apologies, sir, but the Lady Sif has been waiting to speak to you for some time.”
“Christ.” Tony sat up, and it was difficult because he was a tangle of limbs; Steve’s hands seemed to be everywhere at once. “Okay, just a second, give me-” He choked on the word as Steve’s palm slid up the plane of his stomach, his fingers teasing against the rim of the arc reactor. Tony pinned his hand in place. “Okay. Yeah. Sif?” he called. “Something wrong?”
She peeked around the corner of the doorframe, her big dark eyes warm. “Nothing, I am sorry to interrupt you,” she said. Steve made an unhappy noise and buried his face in Tony’s neck. Sif’s lips twitched in a smile, her eyes dancing. “I am sorry, Captain. But Lady Darcy was asking for a meal?”
“Fuck, yes, yes, I promised takeout, Jarvis, can you just-” Steve was slipping against him, languid and strong and so hot that Tony actually felt himself blush. “Order-” The word ended on an embarrassing note. “Steve, give me a second here?”
Steve glared at him, brows drawn low over his eyes, his lips swollen and red. “I don’t WANT TO,” he said, petulant. But he sat up at Tony’s urging, glaring at Sif over the back of the couch. As soon as Tony fumbled his way into a sitting position, Steve dragged him into his lap.
“So, yes, food,” Tony babbled, because he was blushing, and wow, that was just embarrassing. “Jarvis, order the usual, uh, Chinese, that’s a lot of starch, rice is good right now, yeah, that’ll be fine, in fact, triple the order and just, well, just get us food, Jarvis.”
“Of course, sir,” Jarvis said.
Sif was smiling at them. “How do you feel, Captain Rogers?” she asked, and Steve ignored her, hugging Tony tight.
“I’m sorry,” Tony said. “I don’t know what-” He sighed. “He’s apparently clingy when he’s drunk.”
“So it would seem,” she said, her lips twitching. “You are well?”
“I’m fine,” Tony said, catching Steve’s hand before it could slip under under the waistband of his trousers. “He’s fine, he’s just-” He gritted his teeth and Steve shifted behind him, snuggling closer, his breath hot on Tony’s ear. “I wish I knew why he was doing this,” he muttered.
“My esteemed mother,” Sif said at last, “told me, when I was but a babe, that if I ever were to love a man of royal birth, then I would never have the whole of his heart. I would have, in the end, only as much of him as I could capture, through whatever wiles and wisdom I had at my disposal.”
She smiled. “Perhaps, if I may be so bold? What he wants right now is just your attention.” She inclined her head, her eyes laughing under the dark sweep of her lashes. “You might find your evening easier if you were to just give it to him.”
“I’d find my evening easier if I just gave in and had sex,” Tony said.
“He’s no fool. The easiest way to gain the full attention of a man is to offer him sex,” Sif said. “But such attention is fleeting, isn’t it?” She nodded. “I will let the others know that we will eat soon.” With a graceful bow of her head, she withdrew. “Good luck!”
Tony reached back and stroked Steve’s hair. “Are you feeling neglected?” he asked, his voice gentle. Steven didn’t say anything, but he nuzzled Tony’s shoulder. Tony tipped his head to the side, trying to see Steve’s face. “I’m not around all that much, am I?”
“Don’t mind,” Steve mumbled against his shoulder. But his eyes were sad when he glanced up at Tony. “Most of the time.”
Tony stroked his cheek, rubbing a thumb against Steve’s cheekbone. Steve leaned into the touch, his eyes fluttering closed, his lips parting on a faint sigh. Tony’s chest ached, and he tramped down on the feeling with ruthless determination. Now was not the time to let guilt influence him.
Later, they could have an actual discussion about this. Now, he just had to handle it.
“Okay,” Tony said, taking a deep breath. “We can do whatever you want now, okay? Just you and me.” Steve’s eyes popped open, and grinning, he opened his mouth. “No sex,” Tony said quickly. “Anything except that.” Steve’s face fell, and it was comical, but Tony bit his lip to keep from laughing. “Other than that, what do you want to do?”
“Sex,” Steve muttered against his shoulder.
“I know, I know, you’ll sober up and then we’ll be spending a lot of time doing that, I promise.” Tony leaned in and kissed his mouth. “So pick something else.”
Steve thought, his face scrunched up. “Poker!” he burst out at last, a grin blooming over his face.
“Okay,” Tony said.
“Strip poker!” Steve said, and Tony burst out laughing.
“We are almost- Yeah, no, that’s-” He shook his head. But he could use this. They were both worse for the wear, and getting Steve clean and fully dressed couldn’t hurt. “To play strip poker, we have to have something to strip, right? So let’s just get a shower, get cleaned up, then put on clothes.”
“I don’t want to put on clothes,” Steve said, his eyes sweeping over Tony’s body. “I want you naked.”
“That’s cheating, I have to be wearing clothes to start the game,” Tony said, as if that made sense. Steve considered it and nodded, slowly. “So you need to shower and get dressed, and then we can play poker.”
“Strip poker,” Steve said, because now he was certain about this.
“Strip poker,” Tony agreed. He got up, and pulled Steve after him. “But who ever wins strip poker gets to choose what we do next,” he said. Steve swayed on his feet, and purely to keep him on his feet, Tony wrapped his arms around Steve’s waist. Steve learned into him with a pleased purr. Tony struggled to keep his brain on topic. “Steve. Right? Whoever wins, gets to choose the next game?”
Steve’s hands slid down to Tony’s ass, squeezing. “You’re cheating.”
“How-” Tony jerked. “How am I cheating?” he asked, breathless.
“I don’t know,” Steve said. “But you’re cheating.” He pulled back. “I should get a handicap,” he said. “Because I can’t think now. It’s hard.”
“Handicap, right. That seems, that’s fair.” Tony slipped an arm around his waist and started steering him towards the elevator. “What kind of handicap?”
“I wanna choose my own clothes,” Steve said, utterly serious about this.
“Great, that sounds great,” Tony babbled, pushing him along. “That seems fair. Shower. Then clothes. Then we can play strip poker.” And later he would think about saying those words to Steve Rogers and break down into a gibbering mess of hormones. He shook his head hard, trying to get blood back into his brain. He gave Steve a sharp pat on his ass. “Shower!”
“Okay,” Steve agreed, wrapping his arms around Tony’s waist and dragging him along. “We can shower.”
“No, no, no ‘we’ there is no ‘we’ here,” Tony said, and there was no way that this was going to end well. Gritting his teeth, he forced himself to move forward. He could do this.
“Jarvis, is he okay?” Tony asked for what seemed like the twentieth time. He paced the living room floor, his feet beating an uneven tattoo. He checked his watch.
“He is fine,” Jarvis said. “He is nearly finished dressing.”
Tony released a breath, shoving his hands through his hair. The strands were damp to the touch. He’d ducked into his own shower after managing to get Steve naked and in his without losing the battle to keep his pants on. It had been the fastest, coldest shower he’d taken in a long time, but whatever, it had done the job. He felt a little bit more in control.
He could control this. He was in control. Barely.
“You’re sure,” he said to Jarvis, and the AI didn’t sigh, but the sound was there in his words.
“Yes, sir. He shall be along soon.”
“There is nothing new to report,” Jarvis said. “All parties are safe. I will inform you if there is any change to that, sir.”
“I know, I know, but-” Tony turned on his heel. “Are you SURE-”
“Sorry, I couldn’t remember.”
Tony spun around, and stared, his mouth gaping open. “Oh, that’s not fair,” he said.
At the top of the stairs, Captain Steve Rogers blinked down at him, his dress uniform crisp and perfect, his hair smoothed into place beneath his cap, his shoes polished to a high shine. Steve held up his tie. “I couldn’t remember how to knot it,” he said,his cheeks flushed.
“That is one hell of a handicap,” Tony said, his voice faint. He was so aroused that he was dizzy with it. He grabbed for the wall, using it to hold himself up. Steve came down the stairs, his movements careful and stumbling, but he stopped in front of Tony, so close that Tony could smell his soap and the warmth of his skin under that.
Steve blinked at him, eyelashes still damp. “Will you tie me?” he asked. His face twisted. “No, that’s not- That’s not right.” He took a deep breath. “Will you tie me up?” he asked Tony, holding out the tie.
“I am going to hell,” Tony said. “And I no longer even care.”