What are you doing here?

Are you lost?

112 notes

In Which Kate and I (and occasionally John) Mock and Spoil the hell out of Oz the Great and Powerful

Me:
Are the credits going to be the best part of this film?
Kate:
possibly.
Me:
Well, good, if that's the best we've got, I'm leaving.
Kate:
Wait, where are you going?
Me:
I don't remember if I locked my car and I don't care about watching James Franco flirt painfully with the funnel cake girl.
((Car and, more importantly laptop, are still intact))
Me:
Did I miss the reveal of a million music boxes?
Kate:
You missed nothing.
Me:
Damn.
((The movie commences introducing us to the main character. We hate him and want him to die. This feeling never abates.))
Me:
I'm rooting for the tornado!
Kate:
Just a reminder: 3D!
Me:
This scene exists for no reason other than 3D!
John:
THREEEEEEEEE DEEEEEEEEE!
Me:
Does anyone care about this sequence because it has been going on for a really long time?
Kate:
No.
John:
No.
Me:
Good. Film making done right.
((Oz in all it's glory))
Kate:
Clearly, this is Nebraska.
John:
I was guessing Witch-ita.
Kate:
(not putting up with puns this early) Nebraska.
John:
Oooookay.
((Characters, characters, characters, we hate everyone including the monkey but mostly the main character))
Me:
Can you imagine how much it would hurt to jump into a pile of metal? I mean, seriously. It's METAL. Gold is METAL.
Kate:
Everyone in this movie is stupid.
Clearly-not-evil character:
You must kill the wicked witch!
Me:
She seems legit. We should trust her.
Kate:
He is bad at witch killing. And he's stupider than Renner.
Me:
Renner was adorable puppy stupid. This guy is douche dudebro stupid. Big difference.
John:
Are you trying to replace James Franco with Jeremy Renner?"
Kate:
Let's face it, we should never see movies that don't involve the Avengers cast.
Me:
At least we know they can act in front of a green screen. Unlike Woody McConfused up there.
((For the remainder of this, James Franco will be referred to as Not-Renner. Not-Renner finds the wicked witch!))
Wicked witch:
I am actually good!
Not-Renner:
Okay!
Kate:
My god he is stupid.
Me:
She's blonde. See. Blonde equals good. Dark equals wicked. Duh. Repeat after me, Well, she is blonde.
Kate:
We could leave now and still make it to Iron Man 3 three towns over.
((Movie makes questionable choices))
Me:
Remember, everything happens because of a man! There is no other reason that a woman would chose to do anything, other than for a man or because of a man.
Kate:
Life lessons.
Me:
I learned that if Marie says a movie is bad, I do not want to see that movie. I should trust her.
Kate:
This scene would be better with Hansel.
Me:
Or Gretel. A good head butt would've taken care of things.
((Movie realizes it can only redeem the douchebag Not-Renner only so far, because this is still the guy who hid behind a curtain and tricked a fourteen year old into going to kill a witch, so really, he's still going to be a douchebag in a couple of decades or centuries from now))
Me:
From a feminist perspective, this is not a good movie.
John:
From any perspective, it's pretty bad.
Kate:
How much of this was filmed in front of a green screen?
Me:
A percentage.
Kate:
A hundred percent?
Me:
That's a percent.
((Climactic battle))
Me:
Did she just cast pick locks?
Kate:
I hope so, that's a fucking first level spell.
Me:
(proceed to laugh hard enough to hurt myself)
John:
It wasn't that funny.
Me:
It was better than anything this movie has managed.
Kate:
That one guy up front liked the mooing monkey.
Me:
That man has issues. Huge issues.
Kate:
Wow.
Me:
Wow. Remember, kids! Ugly people are evil! Good people are pretty! And blonde!
Kate:
Remember to always check her teeth! You can tell a witch by her teeth!
Me:
Life lessons from Hansel! He slept with the good one!
Movie:
The end!
Me:
On a sliding scale with Battleship being the worst and Red Dawn being almost tolerable, where would you put this film?
Kate:
Above Red Dawn.
Me:
Are you kidding me? Red Dawn had Chris Hemsworth acting with a script that did not actually deserve any effort. This had Not-Renner and a flying monkey.
Kate:
We're not seeing anything that doesn't involve an Avengers actor ever again, are we?

Filed under spoilers I mean if you haven't seen this movie you probably will not see this movie please don't see this movie it is not a good movie And Franco seemed confused through most of it like no one told him what was happening or he missed lunch This is the guy who said that Amazing Spider-Man was a movie that didn't need to be made Bitch please The Maguire Spider-Man movies hurt my soul. In the words of the Simpsons I will not watch your show Buy your producs Or brake if I see you crossing the street

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  12. headmistressbandita said: ah, come on! the mooing monkey was at least worth a three second giggle! …sadly it was actually the best part.
  13. yume-illusion said: In the tradition of ‘films with Avengers Cast’, what are your thoughts on Only You, The Singing Detective and Zodiac?
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